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The Weekend

WARNING:
I don’t usually do this, but due to the nature of the poem, I feel there must be some sort of disclaimer for the reader.
It’s no secret that in the past I struggled with the thought of taking my own life. Thanks to many tear-filled prayers, a new outlook on life, and a renewed faith in Christ as my savior, I was able to overcome these feelings. However, sometimes it’s like expecting it will never rain again once a hurricane has passed. This is simply not the case. Bad days will still come, a negative thought may try to creep in, but the key is to know that the answer is never suicide and always Jesus!



This weekend I wanted to kill myself

It’s not the usual thing to do
But I was sick and tired like the flu
I was a Crayola in the box, feeling blue
Thinking: Everyone wants a piece of the pie or two

This weekend I wanted to kill myself

Because I couldn’t seem to get anything right
My mind was a battlefield in a constant fight
People’s comments were like birds that took flight
And made nests in my head, pulling me away from the light
Making me blind to everything but the negativity in sight

This weekend I wanted to kill myself

Because I couldn’t find one person to hear me out
I was a steaming teapot with nowhere to point my spout
Part of me considered a chemical blackout
Thinking a bottle of pills would do the trick, no doubt
Except I did, doubt, because I didn’t want to be a dropout
And so I went on to writing to hideout

This weekend I wanted to kill myself

Everyone seemed to have a complaint
Not good enough, you never have time, what’s wrong with your brain?
All their comments and teases were a runaway train
Aimed straight at my heart, call cardio I’ve got chest pain
It doesn’t matter what I do, my efforts are in vain
I’m about to fold, this poker face I can’t maintain
My vision is cloudy, I forecast a sobbing rain
And yet I feel, in all of this I’m the one to blame

This weekend I wanted to kill myself

Yea, it’s true
I know it’s not the usual thing for one to do
Good news is, the signal was weak and the message didn’t go through
So I’m here now, writing to you
We never know what a person is going through
Or what storms are stirring inside just by plain view
Maybe an act of your kindness is long overdue
Maybe that’s all they need to undo
Because we’ve got one life to live, no redos
This weekend I wrote this, and now I’m sharing with you.
What was your weekend like, what did you do?


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Product of my Pain

It’s been one of them days

When I’m feeling some type of way

It’s one of them days when I don’t have anything to say

Them days when it hurts so bad you become numb

Days when life is a black hole sucking out all the fun

When my feet wanna run and I’m low on emotional funds

Bankrupt of the same love that I used as ammunition

Firing away and sharing with everyone who was around

But like a boxer on the 12th, I’m out of rounds

Unless you wanna start counting frowns

I’m losing my head while it sits on top of my shoulders

But my head is a top cuz my thoughts keep spinning

And on top of that, I think the other side’s winning

Lost in my own darkness, the only way here is the way I feel

And though I can’t describe drowning in a drought I know for sure it’s real

Using makeup to make believe I’ve got this, I’m made of steel

Truth is I need to heal and I’m trying to weather this storm like a palm

I’m losing my grip, I got sweaty palms

I try to console myself with the book of Psalms

But the words tear as my eyes tear

And I’m going through this alone because I’ve got all these fears

I don’t want anyone around

To see me with my guard down

Plus this is my winter but I may just fall

I worked too hard at fleeing from what I’m feeling to fall for anyone at all

Conversely, I wish someone would spring into action

And even though I’m not whole, and my heart has a gaping hole, if he could give me a fraction of his time

Not that I care about his sign but if he could add to my life, that would be sublime

It’s been one of them days when quiet thoughts break the sound barrier

Racing through my mind, the faster they go the scarier

I begin to question my path, this pain, my purpose

I begin to think my efforts are worthless

It’s one of them days when tears turn to streams down my cheeks

And form puddles at my feet

Then one of them days turns into a long week

I look in the mirror and wish she’d stop crying, but I can’t make her

I plead with the heavens and cry out to my Maker

And as I fade into this night

All remains dark but one candle light

Amidst all my doubts of one thing I’m sure

I’ll have my dawn, my morning I’ll procure

But time has been mean for this day has been long

And in the meantime, my black night has my white flag drawn

And with the blow of the candle to kill the fire ablaze

I sit back and think, It’s just been one of them days


1WritersHeart.com

World Mental Health Day

Not so fun facts (According to the World Health Organization):

  • More than 300 million people of all ages worldwide suffer from depression (and/or bipolar disorder).
  • Depression can lead to suicide. More than 800,000 people worldwide take their own lives each year, and even more attempt to do so.
  • In 2015 suicide was the 2nd leading cause of death amongst 15-29-year-olds globally.
  • More than 21 million people worldwide suffer from schizophrenia.

A diagnosis, a label, or a tag does not define a person. The above facts are not intended to shame anyone but to bring to light something very important: You are NOT alone.

There are very effective treatments for mental health issues, but often times we don’t seek them because we give into the lie that no one will understand. There are trained professionals willing to help.

Below is a 24/7 hotline from Suicide Prevention Lifeline if you are in the states and need someone to talk to:

1 (800) 273-8255

Lastly, I leave you with this thought: Even when it seems like everyone around has abandoned you, God has promised to never leave you nor forsake you. He loves you with an everlasting love and cares about you.

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

#WorldMentalHealthDay

#WMHD

 

1WritersHeart.com

This Giant and I

Heart pacing, mind racing both running in sync.

This silence is so loud I can’t hear myself think.

The walls close in, I’m enveloped in a cocoon.

Hiding on an island by myself, I’m marooned.

Too afraid to face my fears I’d rather turn around and run.

Too weak from all my tears I’ve let the darkness think he’s won.

 

Who am I to face a giant? Who am I to fight this war?

This opponent is defiant and my strength is on the floor.

 

No one knows my struggles, no one knows my pain

Why am I going through this? God this is inhumane.

Overcome by guilt, sadness, and feelings of defeat.

Before this madness is the end of me, let me turn around and retreat.

I’m empty. I’d ask God to fill my cup but I can’t even get a handle.

Someone call Ms. Pope I’m living a real-life scandal.

 

Who am I to face a giant? Who am I to fight this war?

This opponent is defiant and my strength is on the floor.

 

I pick up a dusty book and wipe the cover to read the title,

To my amazement, I see it’s my old study Bible.

I open it up, doubting I’d find something I could use

After all, what does the Bible know about being scared, burdened and abused?

First page, The Lord helps the fallen and lifts the burdened, Psalm 145:14

Ok that was lucky, let’s see what it says about low self-esteem

Psalm 139:14, Fearfully and wonderfully made?

Mind-blowing. What is this a book or hand grenade?

 

Still…

Who am I to face a giant? Who am I to fight this war?

This opponent is defiant and my strength is on the floor.

 

I need more than words to fight my battle, this is real life, real war, real pain…or so it seems.

Ephesians 6:11: Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

Ok fine, but my heart is wounded, pierced by people’s words and actions. What if I get hurt again?

Isaiah 54:17: No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn.

Still, I cannot do this alone. Is there someone that can help me? If so, then tell me who?

My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and Earth. Psalm 121:2

 

I alone can’t face this giant. I alone can’t fight this war.

This opponent is defiant, Lord give me strength, it’s all I ask for.

 

The Lord is with me like a mighty warrior, Jeremiah 20:11

Nothing is impossible with God, Luke 1:37

He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.

Where the enemy thought I was finished, is where God chose to amend.

He is ever-present, everlasting, ever-faithful and the Sovereign King

The all-knowing, all-powerful, almighty God is stepping with me in this ring.

I thought I was facing giants, but it’s more like they’re facing mine.

My king breaks bondages and chains. Descendant of warriors and a divine bloodline.

You are greater than the one who is in the world, 1 John 4:4

You forgave my sins and filled my heart with joy, like a kid in a candy store.

I now know I’m not alone, I now know you were always there.

I now know you saw each tear, I now know you heard every prayer.

 

With God, I’ll face this giant, with Him I’ll fight this war.

And while my enemy is defiant, I hope he’s ready for what God has in store.

 

1WritersHeart.com

Love No More

I loved you with all I had in store. My love was deep like the ocean floor. 

Loved you with my heart, my essence, and down to my core. 

They say all is fair in love and war. 

But I loved you too much until I could love no more. 

1WritersHeart.com

Surrounded and Alone

We never know what another person is going through. Give someone a smile, it may just make a world of a difference.

No More Tears

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There are moments in our lives where sadness and pain overwhelm us. Times when crying seems to be the only way to vent our frustrations. Having dealt with loss, heartbreak, guilt and plain old depression, I am all too familiar with this feeling. Even those who have been fortunate enough to not have dealt with these issues have had low moments. This world can be cruel and tough, but there is a little light in the midst of the darkness. One day pain, suffering, sorrow and crying will be gone; that is the hope I hold on to so dearly.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever. (Revelation 21:4 NLT)

1WritersHeart.com

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